I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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