he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
