I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sorry about my life...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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