I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
