Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
