guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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