Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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