when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
