barbara walters just said penis...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
