I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
