The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
