You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
