I wish they made helmets for livers.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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