I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
