so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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