i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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