And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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