it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
