i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
