so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
