Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
