Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
