My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
