I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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