Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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