apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
