Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
