My friends, they love my intelligence
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
