i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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