You're earring is so big in my mouth
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
