I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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