It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
