I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I stole a fireplace last night.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
