Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
