Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
barbara walters just said penis...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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