I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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