she was so not down for the gang bang
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
