I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
