Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
