How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
