I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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