I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
