New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
