Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
