I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
