my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i permit you to call me
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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