I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
