I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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