i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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