my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
