i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
a search helicopter?!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
